Decoding Tantrums

When children throw tantrums, we might see it as something they intentionally do to cause us discomfort, we might see it as a way of manipulation to get things done in their way, a way to demand things or simply being a bad child.

However, what tantrums could mean is, that the child might be tired, hungry, or thirsty. These underlying needs could be one of the reasons why a child becomes irritable. They may simply be overwhelmed & have big emotions that they don't know how to handle and need our support with. Overall tantrums are most often their way to communicate an unmet need of theirs. How we perceive tantrums impacts how we respond to it. To respond to tantrums from a relatively calmer mindset, we need to see tantrums for what it truly is - A child trying to get their need met. This calmness also allows us to address the root cause of tantrums, rather than focusing on the behaviour that’s visible on the surface and respond to their behaviour in a better way.

For instance, Rishabh, a 4-year-old, is in a shopping mall with his parents and throws a tantrum by crying and demanding for some chip packets.

Rishabh: "I want these chips, RIGHT NOW!"

The response of parents coming from a place of discomfort would be:

“Rishabh, Behave yourself! Don’t be such a naughty boy else I won’t take you along with me the next time.”

The response of parents from a place of calmness & intention to connect could be: “Rishabh, I see that you are running around and picking up chips. Are you hungry or tired? Can I buy you something to eat? Or do you want to play? We will be leaving in the next 10 minutes and then we shall take you to the park.”

When we respond to a tantrum peacefully, we are acting as a role model to the child and showing them a way to manage their big emotions whenever it shows up. Gradually, this learning can contribute to building resilience for them.

Tantrums are NOT child wanting to misbehave. It is the child's way of communicating that they are highly overwhelmed. It is a way of telling that they need their parent's support to meet their needs and manage emotions.

When we understand tantrums for what it is and respond from an intention to connect and be there with the child, we are letting the child know that they matter, you both are in this together and more importantly, you love them, and they are safe with you & can show up as their authentic self in your presence.

(Edited by Juhi Ramaiya)

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