Fostering Connection by Neutralising Power Dynamics

'Power', in simple terms, refers to the ability or capacity to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events. The greater the power one has, the greater is the opportunity to act responsibly. Anyone who wants to use power in the right way to influence change and contribute towards other’s well-being should do so responsibly.

In a parent-child relationship, the child is dependent on the parent for all their needs like love, food, shelter, water, connection, safety, and a lot more. The resources parents have, that a child need gives parents power over the vulnerable child. It is up to the parent on how to use the power. They can either use it to intimidate the child and force them to do what parents want or use it to empower the child so that the child can act in a way that helps them thrive in the world around them.

If there is an interaction between a parent and a child, the parent has more power in deciding what to give, what not to give, what privilege is to be taken away from the child, etc. When there is such a difference in power dynamics, and when the parent wants to act from a place of connection, it’s their responsibility to neutralise the power dynamics.It is the responsibility of the parent to do everything in their power to establish equality before taking actions if they want to strengthen their connection. As a parent, realising that they are in the position of power, they can establish a connection wherein, not just the child thrives but also the parent thrives.

How does one do it?

Step 1: Become aware of the power dynamics in a given situation

As the person with resources and higher emotional maturity in the relationship, recognising and acknowledging the privileges and resources that a parent has with humility is the first step to building a connection with the child and neutralising the power. Step 2: Empower the child

Parents have a choice between using intimidation and empowering the child. If parents come across any situation where they could use their power for intimidation or empowerment, they could choose empowerment while interacting with the child.

How does one empower the child? Parents could think of strategies to give power back to the child in different ways.

Power comes into play when parents have the power to say 'yes' or 'no'. If the parent wants to be humble about it and choose their power for connection as opposed to authority or disconnection, they could be open to the requests put forth by a child and empower them. What does it look like in real life?

It can take place in many simple instances. Let’s say you are the parent of a 5-year-old child. You decide to go out and pick a restaurant for dining. Your child tells you that they do not like the restaurant. One way to go about the situation is to tell the child that you have already decided and that should be followed. However, the other way to go about this situation and give power back to the child is by being intentional about your interaction with the child and including them in the decision making. As a parent, you understand that your child has not had a say in picking the restaurant. You could ask your child to propose suggestions in picking a place to dine. Your child may offer suggestions and you could discuss your choices too. Together, you can finalise on a restaurant that works for both of you.

The idea here is not to pick a chosen destination, but about acknowledging that your child's choices may be different. Recognising and conveying to the child that they have their own voice and their opinions count and matter to you can be empowering.

Respecting the child’s choices, opinions and involving the child in decision making rather than pushing forward parents’ agenda is a way to empower the child.

Step 3: Develop a ‘Maybe’ mindset and engaging in collaborative decision making

Parental power comes into play when they decide ‘yes’ or ‘no’ for the child. If parents wish to be humble about the power they possess and use the power to foster connection as opposed to authority or disconnection, they could be open to the requests put forth by a child.

Any time a child comes up with a request, parents may not necessarily right away say “yes” or “no” to a request but be in the land of ‘maybe’. Parents can be open to negotiation with the child. Whether it is a negotiation with a 3-year-old for a toy or with a teenager for a mobile, parents could listen to their child deeply, and engage in a conversation before they conclude and decide. If parents choose to use their power for intimidation, they will most probably use a black & white approach and either turn down their child’s request almost immediately. One way to use power responsibly is to live in the land of ‘maybe’. Being open to what the child has to say and negotiate at their level could be a good way to come out of a situation with a solution in collaboration with the child. When parents come across a situation or a challenge that needs to be addressed or requires a solution, parents do not have to go in with a pre-conceived solution but come out with a solution in collaboration with the child.

For instance, if a teen wants a mobile phone, you, as a parent, can either directly say 'yes' or 'no'. However, you understand that you are the one with the resources and the child is dependent on you. Rather than turning down their request, you can always engage in a conversation with the child and try to understand what does possessing a mobile phone mean to them.

Your child might say that most of their friends have a mobile phone and because they do not have one, they feel left out often. Their underlying need could be 'belongingness'. Hence, the child is making the request. You may be concerned about the safety and security of the child. Given all the things that are on social media, you may be concerned about the dangers and risks it poses to your child. You can take into consideration your needs and theirs and have a healthy and collaborative discussion about it with your child. You can set clear boundaries on mobile usage, etc. Instead of going in with a 'no' straightaway, you can come out with a solution. After the discussion, the parent can take a collaborative decision on whether to buy the mobile for the child or not.

These are 3 steps for parents who wish to use their power not to intimidate but empower the child by neutralizing the power dynamics. Parents can use their power responsibly and steer the whole power dynamics towards connection as opposed to using this power for disconnection.

(Edited by Juhi Ramaiya)

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