How to Manage Your Child's Emotions When You Say No

Imagine that you are walking into an office, you are excited as you would be getting your bonus today. You have had a good year at work and as a result, you feel you deserve a good bonus. Once you get to work, your manager calls you to his cabin and says there would not be any bonus given to employees this year because of a budget crunch. You are devastated. As you walk out of your manager’s cabin, he notices how sad you are and says “Look, I know I have told you that you won't get a bonus but make sure that you are not sad. I don't want any drama in the office.”

Does this event sound fair to you? It doesn't, isn't it? Yet, we do this to our children very often without even realising.

Imagine that you and your husband decide to go to a mall to pick up a suitcase for an upcoming trip. You take your child along. The child sees a toy shop and asks you to buy her a toy. You say no to buying the toy and the child starts crying and throwing a tantrum. You say, “Stop crying” or “Behave yourself!” or “Don't be a drama queen.” You pick up the child and give the child an earful until the crying stops.

When you do this, you are not only saying ’NO’ to the toy but also the emotions/feelings that come with it. You are denying them of two things.

When children throw tantrums, most parents might feel they have only two options:

- Be authoritative (i.e. You might ask them to stop crying and behave)

or

- Be permissive (i.e. You might give in and buy the toy so that the crying would stop)

However, there is a third option which is to 'stay connected' while your child processes your no.

Here are the steps to stay connected with your child's while they process their emotions (anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, etc.) when you say no to them:

1. Identify a quieter space: When a child throws a tantrum in the middle of a mall or in front of a group of people it might be overwhelming for you. Hence, you need to find a resource that works for you. Identifying a space where you can quietly work with your child, could be that resource.

In the above example, you may simply pick the crying child and go to a quiet corner with a comfortable place to sit.

2. Acknowledge and validate your child's emotions: When a child is going through emotions like anger, sadness, frustration, etc., it’s important that you acknowledge their emotion. This action alone when done consistently contributes to your child's emotional well-being.

In this case, you might say, “I can see that not getting the toy has made you sad.”

You may also add, “When I don't get what I want, it makes me sad too.”

3. Reassure your presence and connection while they process their emotions: When children are denied things, it may take time for them to process their emotions. Stay connected with them as they do that.

In this example, the child might cry louder and ask you to buy the toy. You can simply say, “I’m not buying the toy since we have many at home. I’m going to be right here with you until you finish crying and are ready to go back to the mall.”

The child might even say 'Bad Mama/Papa', move away from you, cry a bit more, talk a bit more, etc. The deeper their emotion, the more acknowledgement they would need but within some time they would have processed their emotions and be ready to move on.

When they process their emotions this way with your presence and support, you would notice that they would move on as if the incident never happened. You would notice a sense of closure in your child.

If the child is young, you may have to be physically around them to stay connected. If your child is older, you can ask if they want you to be around or not. Even if they ask you not to be around, let them know you would be available when they need you.

It’s a common notion that to stay connected with a child, we should always give them what they ask for (Be it toys, expensive field trips, extended screen time, etc.) and not say no. That's not true. It’s acceptable to say no, as long as you are willing to be present for the child when they process their emotions and feelings around it.

When you show them that their emotions matter to you, you form a deeper connection with your child.

(Edited by Juhi Ramaiya)

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