How to reconnect when we hurt our children unintentionally

Parents have the best interest of their child at heart. However, as humans, there might be times when we react to our children in a way that hurts them. It could at times be when they push our buttons & we lose our temper or at times, we even snap at them for no fault of theirs.

For instance, you might have had a bad day at work and when your child excitedly shows their artwork, you simply dismiss it. You might be having a headache and simple playful sounds that your child makes may irritate you and you ask them to stop their play. You might be angry at a relative who mistreated you, but you yell at your child when they ask you a simple question at that time.

When children feel disconnected, they will either attack (i.e. cry, scream, etc.) or retreat (i.e. they will move away, won’t make eye contact, won’t talk to us and reject our touch). As soon as we realize our reaction has caused disconnection, we should try to re-establish connection with them.

In her book, “Connection Parenting”, author Pam Leo outlines a process that parents can use to re-establish connection with children when we act in a way that leaves children hurt, unheard or disconnected.

The 3 main components of reconnection are:

Rewind: Acknowledge our hurtful behavior

Repair: Apologize & let the child know S/he did not deserve our behavior

Replay: Respond with love and listening

For E.g. You have had a very stressful day at work, and you are feeling very low when you get home.

Your child comes to you and pulls your dress and says, “Play with me.”

You ignore this once and she continues to pull your dress and insists, “Mama, play with me”

You shout at her, “NOT NOW! Stop troubling me”

After some time, you feel bad and want to reconnect with your child. This is how you can implement the 3Rs process in such a situation:

Rewind: Sit next to your child and say, “You must have felt bad when I shouted at you when you wanted to play, isn’t it?”

Repair: “I’m sorry sweetie, I shouldn’t have shouted at you”

Replay: “When you feel like playing with me, I’m right here waiting to play”

In case the child wants to express how she felt, listen to her deeply before you offer your time.

There might be times when you are in a place to reconnect quickly. However, the child still needs time to process their emotions and feels disconnected. In such instances, give them time and let them know that you will be around. Let the child reconnect when they are ready not when you are ready.

We’ll always know when the reconnection is established with the child. When children feel connected, they would smile, make eye contact, talk and welcome our touch. When we rewind, repair and replay, we are modeling a process that children can use to reconnect with us when they impulsively behave in disrespectful ways. They would have also learned a powerful tool to re-establish connection which would serve them in the long run. So, the next time you unintentionally hurt your children and want to reconnect, just remember to rewind, repair and replay.

(Edited by Juhi Ramaiya)

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