Nice Kids vs Kind Kids

The words “Nice” and “Kind” are used interchangeably when describing people. However, there is an important difference between the two. According to dictionary.com, “Nice” is defined as “pleasing; agreeable; delightful”, while “Kind” is defined as “having, showing, or proceeding from benevolence.” It’s being considerate, helpful, and humane to those around us.

The motivation for being ‘nice’ is extrinsic i.e. whether you are considered a ‘nice’ boy or girl is dictated by what others think of you. The title of being ‘nice’ is a reward for your ability to agree or please others.

On the other hand, the motivation for being ‘kind’ is intrinsic. You become kind because you choose to act in ways that contribute to others’ well-being. Being kind is something you own and define for yourself.

In a family or social context, and as parents, we pay way more importance to ‘niceness’ while raising kids as opposed to ‘kindness’. However, kindness is one of the most important qualities to have and is essential for growth. Kindness requires more effort from your kids than niceness. Not only does kindness require greater efforts, but it sometimes doesn’t look “nice” at all. So, what really is the difference between being kind and being nice? Let’s understand this with examples of how ‘nice kids’ vs. ‘kind kids’ would react to situations :

Example 1

Nice kid

1. 5-year-old Mila is playing with a toy, another kid, Aarav insists on having the same toy right away. Mila notices that.

To be a ‘nice girl’, Mila reluctantly gives the toy in her hand to Aarav to play but she is unhappy about it.

Kind kid

1. 5-year-old Mila is playing with a toy, another kid, Aarav insists on having the same toy right away. Mila notices that.

Mila to Aarav: “I will be done with the toy in 10 mins. You can have it then, ok?”

(or)

Mila invites Aarav to play along with her.

Example 2

Nice kid

12-year-old Sameera sees a new classmate, Aarya, who joined the school in the mid-term eating alone in the cafeteria. She asks her lunch buddies, Sneha and Meenal if she could invite Aarya to join their group for lunch. They say that they don’t feel very comfortable.

To be ‘nice’ to her lunch group, Sameera gives up the idea of inviting Aarya.

Kind kid

12-year-old Sameera sees a new classmate, Aarya, who joined the school in the mid-term eating alone in the cafeteria. She asks her lunch buddies, Sneha & Meenal if she could invite Aarya to join their group for lunch. They say that they don’t feel very comfortable.

To be ‘nice’ to her lunch group, Sameera gives up the idea of inviting Aarya that day.

Later in the evening, during a break, she walks over to Aarya and starts talking to her and gets to know her.

A few days later, on a play date at Sameera’s place, she invites Aarya along to play with Sneha and Meenal. They all play together and have a good time.

Sameera again brings up the topic of including Aarya to their lunch group with Sneha and Meenal. They are of course very happy to have their new friend.

Example 3

Nice kid

15-year-old Ananth makes a derogatory remark about a girl in the class to his friend, Sahil.

Sahil to be ‘nice’ to Ananth either nervously laughs or even joins Ananth in making fun of the classmate.

Kind kid

15-year-old Ananth makes a derogatory remark about a girl in the class to his friend, Sahil.

Sahil to Ananth – “What you said about the girl is very disrespectful. Not done buddy!”

Note: Sahil’s intention is not to judge Ananth or to act self-righteously but to genuinely point out Ananth’s mistake and give him the opportunity to grow in this friendship. However, if Ananth continues to hurt others, Sahil, coming from a place of kindness might even consider forgoing the friendship.

So, the next time you notice your child doing something misguided or hurtful instead of saying “be nice” try, “be kind.” Empower them to say no when they want to say so, to speak up for themselves when they see injustice happen. Encourage them to pay attention to their actions and their impact on others. Remind them that being kind sometimes might even mean not being ‘nice’.

To raise kind kids, we, as parents, must overcome passivity or laziness. Kindness is complex and it can even be a struggle for some. All your efforts will be worth it because it is kind kids, not nice kids who will truly make a difference in the world.

(Edited by Juhi Ramaiya)

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