Sacrifice vs. Intentional Mutuality in a Parent-Child Relationship (Part 1)

In the world of parenting, an oft-heard word is ‘sacrifice’. By its very definition, sacrifice implies giving up something – something of value – for the sake of others. It implies a person losing oneself for another’s gain. In fact, in Indian society, sacrifice is perceived as a virtue that parents should have. Parents, especially mothers, are expected to be like candles who burn themselves to give light to others. But, is sacrifice a virtue really?

Understanding sacrifice – is it really a virtue?

Parents are often led to believe that they have to sacrifice their lives for the sake of their children and that in doing so lies their greatness. Sacrifice is seen as a noble deed and glorified because people think that it leads to great outcomes (like a better future for the child or gratitude from the child, for example).

However, though sacrifice seems and sounds like a great thing to do, it could be detrimental to relationships in the long run, irrespective of whether the sacrifice is done intentionally or unintentionally.

Here are some possible negative outcomes of sacrifice:

Sacrificing may lead to the child becoming selfish. When a parent keeps sacrificing, it may send a message to the child that they can take, take and take all the time and not give at all, leading to the child becoming selfish.

Sacrifice may lead to resentment. When a parent sacrifices for their child often, they may knowingly or unknowingly develop resentment towards their child. Though this resentment may not be very obvious in a parent-child relationship, it is likely to affect the way a parent connects with their child.

Repeated sacrificing can lead to sacrifice becoming the default option across generations. For instance, when a mother sacrifices for her child, the child is likely to again sacrifice for the sake of their child even without contemplating if they have to sacrifice at all or if there is any alternative to sacrifice.

It is possible that in some cases when parents make sacrifices, it may result in gratitude. A child who has seen their parents sacrifice a lot for their sake may be grateful for the same and may try to enhance the life of their parents. However, sacrifice doesn’t guarantee gratitude. it is important to understand that gratitude as an outcome of parental sacrifice lies largely in the hands of the recipient, i.e., it depends on the child’s temperament.

Yes, gratitude could be a possible (and a wonderful) outcome of sacrifice, but the probability of sacrifice leading to selfishness, resentment, and more sacrifice across generations is more likely.

It is important to note that sacrifice is always a LOSE-WIN situation. Sacrifice necessitates that one person in an equation has to lose. Consequently, it is not sustainable in the long run.

Further, sacrifice stems from a scarcity mindset because a person sacrificing believes that there is not enough for everyone. So, a parent may choose to sacrifice thinking that giving up something is the only way for the betterment of their child. While a parent may have to do this when resources are completely scarce, and when it is probably the best thing to do at a particular point in time, sacrifice need not be the only thing to do all the time. Or in other words, many sacrifices done by parents as a default response to situations may be unnecessary and surely, an alternate response can be explored. So, what is this alternative we are talking about?

Intentional Mutuality – the better alternative

The healthier alternative to sacrifice is an approach that we, at Growing Together, call ‘intentional mutuality’. Parents who come from a place of intentional mutuality believe that they can have a WIN-WIN response to most situations in a parent-child relationship. Such parents “intentionally” choose a mutually beneficial workaround to situations rather than taking the default route of sacrifice. Let’s delve a little deeper into the intentionally mutual mindset and approach.

To begin with, the mindset of intentional mutuality is the opposite of a sacrificial mindset. A parent who adopts intentional mutuality believes that there is enough for everyone in this world. They operate with a thriving mindset and when faced with a challenging situation, their thinking would be, “My child is important AND I am important. My child’s need is important AND my need is important. I want my child to thrive AND I also want to thrive.” In contrast, a parent with a sacrificial mindset would think, “My child is more important than I am. If I sacrifice, my child will be happy OR else my child will be sad.”

As we can clearly see, parents, adopting intentional mutuality approach a challenging situation with the AND mindset as opposed to the OR mindset of a sacrificing parent. Further, they believe in abundance (there’s enough for everyone) as against the scarcity mindset (there’s not enough for everyone) that a sacrificing parent typically has.

Therefore, a parent coming from a space of intentional mutuality considers options and take decisions in such a way that their child is nourished, and they personally are nourished as well. Parents with intentional mutuality in mind usually have good self-care practices, set healthy boundaries, and would discuss family values and routines regularly, while giving enough importance to the child. Since, while giving nourishment to the child, the parent also receives nourishment, the practice of intentional mutuality is very sustainable in the long run.

Therefore, even though the outcome of sacrifice and intentional mutuality in terms of what a parent wants to do for a child may remain the same, it is intentional mutuality that can result in a WIN-WIN situation for both the parent and the child.

As we have seen, there are several differences between the sacrificial approach and the intentional mutuality approach when tackling situations in a parent-child relationship. We will explore these differences a little more and look at a few examples in the next blog.

(Edited by Anupama Krishnakumar)

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