Setting Boundaries With Kids (Part 3): Additional Tips

Image by Kanmani Murali (11 years)

In our previous blog, we looked at some important steps that can help parents define healthy boundaries for their children. In this third and final part of the series, we will look at some additional tips that parents can keep in mind when setting healthy boundaries.

Tip 1: If you are new to boundary setting, choose only one to three kinds of your child’s worrisome behaviour to set boundaries for.

Typically, for a parent who began defining boundaries from when their child was very young, the process becomes a lot easier as their child grows older. However, if as a parent, you are just getting into the process of setting healthy boundaries, it is a good idea to pick only one to three kinds of your child’s behaviour that worries you considerably and set boundaries for them.

It is not advisable to start setting boundaries for ten different kinds of behaviour. This is because of two important reasons: One, when you keep objecting to different things repeatedly through the day, it could be tiring for both you and your child, and the child may even lose the capacity to listen and adhere to even one boundary. Secondly, you may also require some practice in boundary-setting as it would be a new process for you. Therefore, taking a few instances of worrisome behaviour and setting boundaries around them could give you that clarity. Once you set one/two/three boundaries, you can state that clearly to your child, specify the consequence and follow through on that consequence.

Tip 2: Set boundaries for acts of defiance, not for age-appropriate behaviour.

For instance, it is normal, age-appropriate behaviour for a three- or four-year-old to jump in muddy puddles, or on the bed, or to run around the house shouting. Such acts by a child may not need boundaries. However, it is not ok for them to hit someone or snatch things from others. For these kind of acts, healthy boundaries have to be set so that children correctly understand the right rules from boundaries. Another example is the case of a teen. A teenager may seem preferring friends over family. This is age-appropriate behaviour though and may not need boundaries. However, if the teen spends all their time playing only video games and not studying or doing homework, healthy boundaries have to be put in place.

Tip 3: Use the word DO and avoid the word DON’T as much as you can.

Let’s consider the case of a four-year-old boy who likes to scribble on the walls. Now if his mother tells him, “Don’t scribble on the wall,” he may go and scribble on the sofa. If the mother again tells him, “Don’t scribble on the sofa,” he may go and scribble on the table. If instead, the mother can set aside a designated space for scribbling (like a chart paper stuck on a wall), and tell him, “Do all your scribbling in that corner there! That is your space for it.” By doing so, the mother can ensure that every time her son wants to scribble, he would know where to go and do it.

Assume there is a teenager who is going out for a party. Now, instead of saying, “Don’t come back late,” the father can tell his child, “Be back by 10 pm, and inform me by 9 pm how things are going on with the party.”

While it is understandable that you may have to use the word “don’t” when you are setting a boundary on the go, it is a good idea to use the word “do” as much as possible to ensure clear communication of what you expect your child to do.

Tip 4: Repeating the boundary constantly to your child is normal and is in fact, crucial.

It may be tempting to think that once you have reiterated the boundary to your child twice or thrice, they will start following the boundary. You may wonder why your child isn’t listening to you even after you have told them two or three times. The truth is sometimes they may listen, sometimes they won’t. So, it is totally alright and actually important to keep repeating the boundary till it becomes the norm and becomes a part of their routine. This is because children live in the moment most of the time and it takes a lot of repetition to make a boundary an integral part of their life.

Tip 5: Empathize with the child’s difficulty around the boundaries you set for them.

Please understand that children may not like boundaries; they may not like the consequences that you state if they violate the set boundaries. As a parent, be empathetic about it. Assure them that you can understand that they aren’t feeling great about boundaries, but you are around for them. Eventually, through boundaries, your goal is to set them up for a disciplined life in which they thrive.

Conclusion: A quick round-up

As we have seen throughout this series, boundaries are absolutely essential for children. It is also true that setting boundaries is not at all an easy task for parents. Your child may even dislike you for defining boundaries but let them dislike you for the right reasons now so that they don’t dislike you for the wrong reasons later. The dislike they may show for you is temporary but the consequences of not setting boundaries may be permanent. For instance, a child may grow into an unkind, rude adult in the absence of healthy boundaries during childhood.

Even if your child may not completely agree/be very receptive to a boundary that you are setting, they should know that they need to follow the boundaries. It’s totally alright even if they follow boundaries grumpily. Ultimately, boundaries are for children to lead a disciplined life during their childhood, so that they can have a great life as an adult, as against living without a defined path or worse, bullying others for their own incompetence, when they grow up.

The task is indeed hard work but setting boundaries can be a connected and collaborative discussion with the child. It need not be a strict and serious talk, nor does it have to be hard on the child. Like we discussed earlier, be empathetic and respectful to the child during the process of setting boundaries.

My mentor’s favourite line is “If your kid is never mad at you, you are not parenting!” So put in the hard work as a parent. Set healthy boundaries for your child. All your hard work will help your child in the long run!

If you would like to know more about boundaries, the book, “Boundaries (Updated and Expanded Edition): When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life” by Dr. Henry Cloud & John Townsend) is a valuable resource.

To read part 1 of this series on boundaries, click here.

To read part 2 of this series on boundaries, click here.

(Edited by Anupama Krishnakumar)

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