Trust your child, they matter.

A child always needs trust. They want to reach out to someone with whom they can feel safe and just be themselves - pour their heart, share their thoughts, feelings, stories secrets and mistakes. When we, as parents, provide that trust to our child, they grow up to be self-accepting, kind and loving towards themselves.

Let me start by sharing my own experience with my son when he was about 5 years old.

(I am sharing his story after taking his consent.)

My son, Ansh, was playing downstairs when something happened. I am guessing that it was a fight with his friends. He came up and went into his room quietly. After 2 minutes, all his friends (6 of them), came up, rang the bell a couple of times and started complaining about my son, “Aunty! Ansh hits us and he just wouldn’t listen”.

I felt ashamed of his behaviour and had already assumed that my son was at fault. “How could my son do this?”, I wondered and apologized to his friends.

My son was watching all of this while he hid behind the wall. I called my son and shouted at him, in front of his friends, “Ansh, Why don’t you understand? Why can’t you behave yourself?”. I was very furious with him.

His friends left after my apology and after witnessing me shout at my son.

This is how I reacted on multiple occasions (not hearing my son’s side of the story) – when he would get a remark in his school diary, when his friends would come with a complaint or when he would pick up a fight in his school bus, etc.

However, this time, something changed. I recollected this school bus incident. This was when Ansh insisted it was not his fault when his classmate’s mom called me to complain about Ansh (Ansh had hit him in the school bus).

I realized something, took a deep breath, went into my son’s room, sat next to him and asked him, “Ansh, do you want to tell me what really happened? That’s when he told me his side of the story. “Mom, I didn’t start the fight. Trust me, Mom, please…” and he was sobbing. That word, ‘trust’ was like a bullet that shattered my veil of ‘not trusting’ my child. I realized that for so long my son was wanting to be heard. All he wanted was to be trusted and accepted.

I held my child and apologized, “Sorry for not hearing your side of the story, sorry for not trusting you, sorry for not providing the space where you could trust me.”

After this, a lot within me changed and that reflected in my child, in our relationship and in the world around him. Henceforth, every time he would get a remark from school, a complaint from his friends, I would first ask him “What happened?” instead of labelling him as a ’mischievous’ child.

I also realized that all his acts of ‘violence’ (mischief, hitting others) were stemming from pent up anger. That was his way of desperately wanting someone to understand him, see him for who is and to accept him just the way he is. Once I instilled this trust within him, his remarks reduced. Moreover, his relationship with his friends improved. They would now ask for him to play without returning with complaints. Furthermore, my son no longer had to stand behind a wall and hide his tears. We developed a deeper bond of trust, where we could confide in each other.

When our child trusts us enough, they can express and feel without any pretence and yet feel accepted without any judgement.

How can you build trust with your child?

Separate the deed from the doer:

This means that you could avoid labelling your child on the basis of their behaviour. For instance, Ali (6 years old) snatches his younger sister’s toys and hits her. In such a case, Ali’s parents can address this behaviour by talking to Ali about it, instead of judging Ali as a ‘bad’ or ‘naughty boy’. Understanding the child’s need and decoding their behaviour is important. What I was doing earlier with my son was labelling him as ‘mischievous and naughty’ instead of addressing his behaviour and needs.

Refer to my previous blog: https://www.growingtogetherjourney.com/post/why-it-is-not-ok-to-label-your-child-as-a-good-or-bad-child

Offer your full presence and time when your child needs it:

There will be times when your child might not be able to express their feelings in a way that you can understand (it might seem like a tantrum). Their behaviour might trigger you. For instance, in the example of Ali where he hits his sister, the reason for the same could be that Ali might be feeling insecure and angry as his younger sister might be receiving more attention than he does.This kind of expression might trigger you. In my son’s example, the reason my son was hitting others was that he was angry as he was not being heard or listened to and I was getting triggered by his anger.

At such times, you can try to be patient and gentle with your child. However angry you may be with your child, you could be patient and listen to your child.

In case, your child is going through an emotion which they can’t express or process and chooses not to talk to you, at that time, tell your child “I am there for you, you can reach me whenever you wish to talk or share your feelings.” It is very important for your child to know that they have a safe space to go back to, that someone is there who will listen to them, no matter what.

When we offer our complete presence to our child, they feel heard and valued.

Refer to this blog: https://www.growingtogetherjourney.com/post/your-complete-presence-to-your-child-benefits-both-you-and-your-child

Be open:

Share your feelings as well as your mistakes with your child. Know that it is ok to make a mistake, acknowledge and apologize. When you are open about your shortcomings, fears, struggles, without feeling guilty or shameful, it might help your child to trust that doing so is safe. For instance, I often share with my children about how I can’t remember names, my workshop didn’t go well, I don’t like to cook or how I am scared of new places.

Keep promises, be reliable and honest:

Whenever you commit or promise something, make an honest attempt to fulfil it. In case you are not able to fulfil it, make amends to your child. For instance, you promise your child that you will return home early from office and play with them. However, you come home tired, you can then make amends to your child by saying, “Hey! I did try my best to come home early, however, there was too much work. Can I read a story to you instead?” Keeping your word and being honest with your child goes a long way in building trust.

These are some of the ways in which you can build trust with your child.

The beauty of trust is that there is a mutual give and take.

When you trust your child, you will receive trust from your child.

Also, there is a strong relationship between trust and freedom:

When a child feels trusted they feel safe, secure and they are able to make choices from a space of freedom.

For instance, my son (12 years old) would take certain decisions (choosing a particular subject, taking part in his school events etc.) by himself knowing that his parents trust him with his decisions.

Having a strong foundation of trust gives your child wings of freedom.

When we trust our child, we hold a positive heart space for our child, and this changes the way the world perceives the child. What we believe about our child, is what they will believe about themselves and ultimately that is what the world will believe about them. When I started trusting my son, he started feeling good about himself and the outcome for the same was that his complaints reduced automatically.

Refer to this blog: https://www.growingtogetherjourney.com/post/the-key-to-your-child-s-transformation-lies-in-your-heart

The best element of your relationship with your child is when your child can share and confide in you.

Trusting your child fosters freedom and security. It gives them a sense of belonging, acceptance and mattering.

(Edited by Juhi Ramaiya)

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Geeta B Bhansali

Geeta B Bhansali, has been practising therapy and healing, related to mind , body and emotions since 15 years. She is a Heal Your Life Workshop Leader certified by Heart Inspired, USA for over 6 years, and also accredited as Heal Your Life Coach and TeenPlayshop facilitator. She uses skills from Voice and Body movement, Play back Theatre, Theatre of Oppressed, Non violent Communication and Theta Healing while working with adults, children and youngsters.

Geeta believes that when we are aware of our own thoughts, emotions and energy, we create an environment where we all can thrive.