Unburden the child from feeling responsible for their parents.

Many a time, parents go through difficult situations. During such times, they might feel overwhelmed and may knowingly or unknowingly transfer their responsibilities to the child.

It is also possible that, when the child sees the parent feeling overwhelmed with the situation or by their emotions, they may feel responsible for their parent and they unknowingly carry that responsibility as a burden.

Let me share the case of my client Naresh (name changed, age 55 years, permission taken).

I asked Naresh about his problem, and he narrates his story. "I don’t know how to deal with my mother. She watches television in the drawing-room on full volume all the time. Hence, I can’t use the drawing room ever. I can’t sing, I can’t watch the television, I can’t call my friends over. I am always confined to my room. My mother hates it when my wife and I step out for a while and leave her alone, she thinks we are ignoring her. She controls me and my wife by throwing tantrums (mentions various tantrums). I feel stuck and I am exhausted.”

And I asked, “For how long has this been going on?” He replies, “Ever since I have been a child. My dad was abusive, alcoholic and dominated my mother. So, I have felt very protective of my mother, always trying to save her from my dad’s anger. I started taking care of her and protecting her even when she would emotionally abuse me.”

I realised that Naresh had unknowingly, in his childhood itself, become the adult, 'the burdened parent' of his own mom. He played this role for a good 50 years of his life.

What Naresh needed was a lot of self-care. He also had to let go of the burden of responsibility of his mother that he had unknowingly carried for years.

In short, Naresh had to stop feeling responsible for his mother.

What are situations that could lead a child to feel burdened and responsible for their parent?

Situations like the birth of a child in the family, divorce, addiction, mental or physical ill-health of one of the parents, emotional abuse, fights and arguments in the family, death or financial stress are some of the major causes that could lead a child to feel burdened and responsible for their parent.

In such situations, there is a possibility that the child may feel responsible for practical things like earning, running the household, taking care of a sibling or become the parent’s support, confidant or protector. By carrying similar responsibilities for their parents over a period of time, the child may feel burdened.

When faced with difficult situations in their personal lives, what can parents keep in mind so that they don’t pass on their burden of responsibilities to their child?

Be open and honest with the child

Parents could openly share how they feel about the situation and what they are going through with their child.

For instance, a parent could say, “ I am facing this..., I feel angry and sad because…” Parents could share anything that is relevant and age-appropriate. Remember that usually the child is emotionally connected with their parent, and they can sense what their parents go through.

It is possible that the child could feel responsible and would want to protect and care for their parent. When the child feels obliged to take care of their parent, they learn to please them, and they carry the baggage of guilt. The child often starts thinking like this - “If I don’t take care of my mom, she will suffer, and I will fail to become a good child.”

Hence, it is important to communicate with the child so that the child does not feel responsible for their parents.

Say in clear words to the child, “You are not responsible for my situation or for my feelings.”

Ask for support from the child(age-appropriate). Be open to hearing NO from the child, when asking for help or support.

Children can be of great support in difficult times. The support a child can offer could range from doing simple things to big tasks, from giving a smile to preparing a meal. By doing even the simplest of things like giving a hug or a kiss, smiling, playing or laughing together, they make the situation lighter.

The child does not ‘have to’ help the parent; they can make a choice to not help. Telling the child that it is ok to hear NO from them, gives them a clear message that they are respected for their choice and space. It also gives parents an opportunity to understand why the child is saying NO.

Be mindful of the child’s needs and feelings and respect them.

Like in the case of Naresh, his needs of care, attention, fun, respect, sense of belonging and even guidance got compromised as he had started prioritising his mother. He did everything, (in fact, he went out of his way) to keep her happy.

When the child learns to sacrifice their needs to take care of their parents’ needs, they make choices in accordance with their parents’ moods, wishes, priorities, feelings and needs.

Hence, parents need to be mindful that the child’s needs and feelings don’t get overlooked or compromised.

Let me share my story.

Last year, I went through ‘Brain Aneurysm’ and I was hospitalised. After I returned home from the hospital, there were many challenges that I faced with respect to my physical, mental, and emotional health. For instance, I would get anger outbursts, I could not walk properly, I would stammer while speaking and I couldn’t remember basic words.

At that time, I sat with my children and spoke to them freely about it, “Listen, I don’t want both of you to feel responsible for me. In case I can’t do something, or I am feeling sad or angry, let me be. I will ask for help. You can help me but in case you can’t or don’t feel like helping, it is ok. Just express yourself freely to me in case I overstep your space.”

This was so liberating for me as well for my children. We could have open conversations about what we all went through and were going through without feeling responsible for each other.

It is very important to become aware, especially when parents go through challenging and difficult situations, that they don’t pass on the burden of responsibilities to the child.

Parents are responsible for their own feelings; the child is not responsible for how parents feel or for the situation they are in.

(Edited by Juhi Ramaiya)

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Geeta B Bhansali

Geeta B Bhansali, has been practising therapy and healing, related to mind , body and emotions since 15 years. She is a Heal Your Life Workshop Leader certified by Heart Inspired, USA for over 6 years, and also accredited as Heal Your Life Coach and TeenPlayshop facilitator. She uses skills from Voice and Body movement, Play back Theatre, Theatre of Oppressed, Non violent Communication and Theta Healing while working with adults, children and youngsters.

Geeta believes that when we are aware of our own thoughts, emotions and energy, we create an environment where we all can thrive.