Your Way or My Way? – Navigating Parenting-Style Differences

Many a time, it could happen that the parenting style of one partner is different from the other partner’s – for example, one may be strict, the other lenient, one playful, the other very task-oriented and so on. The partners may be worried that these differences might impact their child’s upbringing negatively. However, healthy differences in parenting styles between two partners raising a child is quite normal and even beneficial for the child. It’s beneficial because the difference may strengthen ’adaptability’, a skill that children inherently tend to have. Children naturally display adaptability on many occasions. For instance, they might be narrating their day in school to you probably in English and the moment Nanu (Grandpa) walks in, they may switch to Hindi. This adaptability helps children in navigating differences in parenting styles and when they do, it actually serves to sharpen this crucial skill in them.

Navigating Healthy Differences in Parenting Styles

Parenting as it is can be hard at times, so navigating different styles between you and your partner might be challenging because you may feel that your partner is negating what you are trying to do with your child.

But sometimes, the difference in parenting styles may be healthy and even complementary. In such scenarios, here are some suggestions that may make handling the different styles less challenging.

Start with a common ground: Between you and your partner, discuss three or four important aspects in which you prefer your parenting approach to be the same. For example, you both may decide things like “we will never hit our child” or “we will ensure the child only eats healthy food” or “this is the kind of education we want for our child” etc. This would be a list of must-do’s, and can have two inputs from your side and two from your partner. Keep this list small. Having said that, one common ground that both of you can agree upon is that when one parent is working with the child, the other parent doesn’t interfere. Another great tool for aligning on parenting style is defining and integrating family values.

Be Open: It’s a common human tendency to think that our way is the right way. It’s a bias we all have. However, people around us have a lot to offer just like we do. Be open to that possibility. See the difference in your parenting styles as an opportunity for all of you to learn and grow rather than a conflict that needs to be resolved.

Acknowledge and give information to the child: Let’s consider a case where your child is confused because, for some common activities, you and your partner have different styles. You can help your child by giving information, and then waiting for the child to process and transition to your style.

For instance, if you are taking your four-year-old son to bed at 7 pm and he says that it’s too early and that mama allows him to stay up longer, you can say “It seems like you really enjoy staying up late.” (acknowledging) and then adding, “since you have school tomorrow, a long night’s sleep will ensure you have lot of energy in school and enough energy to play with your friends! You will be one happy baby with good rest. Would you like to read a book or want me to tell a story before going to sleep?” (giving information & transitioning)

Respect and appreciate differences: Differences in parenting styles are quite natural because as individuals we come with different temperaments, backgrounds and environments, experiences, culture etc. See if you can respect and appreciate these differences.

Let’s say that six-year-old Sara and her father are having a serious wrestling match. Though ‘wrestling’ activity might worry Sara’s mom, she can learn to acknowledge the fun Sara is having when playing wrestle-wrestle with her dad. She can also appreciate her husband for teaching their daughter a new skill!

Be flexible: If you feel that your child is finding it hard to adapt to different parenting styles, see if you can be flexible to adapt some styles from your partner to make activities easy for your child.

Navigating Unhealthy Differences in Parenting Styles

Having seen some steps that you can take to handle healthy differences in parenting styles, let us now turn our attention to instances where you may be trapped in unhealthy parenting style differences with your partner.

For instance, situations like, your partner hitting your child because they can’t control their rage, or your partner spoiling the child without any boundaries, which is causing entitlement issues.

Here are some ways in which you can address such differences.

Negotiate: If you believe that negotiation would help, sit down with your partner and see if you can negotiate and set a goal that is mutually beneficial for the child. Listen deeply and find an entry point that would help you negotiate better and agree on a common goal that’s in the best interest of the child.

Understand your level of influence: In a situation where you believe the partner is sabotaging the future of your child (knowingly or unknowingly), be clear on the parameters that you can control and the parameters that you can’t control. This can help you know how much influence you have at any point in time, and with this understanding, you can act in ways that will benefit your child.

Amp up your connection with the child: Instead of fretting over behaviour traits of your partner that you can’t control, focus on increasing the quantity and quality of connection with your child. This is always in your control. Intentionally invest in your relationship with the child. When you go that extra mile, it will strengthen your bond with your child, especially when your partner might be negating what you are doing for your child.

Be confident in your influence: Children are wired for attachment with their parents. Although it may not seem so, when there are challenging dynamics in the household, they need you more. Remember, even as an individual, you single-handedly have a strong influence on establishing a healthy one-one relationship with your child.

Set boundaries: Clearly set boundaries on what’s acceptable and what’s not in terms of what is beneficial for the child and communicate that to your partner. Also, think about actions you would take if your boundaries are violated.

Ask for support: When there are unhealthy parenting differences, it can be hard to manage all on your own. Do reach out to people like therapists, friends or other family members, who can support you with this.

One of the assumptions that a parent may have is that when you want to influence a child positively, you need support from others; if not all family members, at least your partner. It is of course awesome if you do get the support. However, even if you don’t, don’t underestimate the level of influence you as an individual can have on your child. Know that your connection and influence alone is significant enough to make a positive difference in your child’s life.

(Edited by Anupama Krishnakumar)

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